5th Anniversary Post – Getting Personal?

I suppose, it’s a bit weird to crawl out of the wood work and post about this; consider this my official return from haitus? I am very much a creature of habit and can’t resist the call of a scheduled post. So we’re back, and unlike last year which was a bit of a boring post, this one will be… sad? I guess? Being generous to myself it’s waxing poetic, but eh.

I posted back in February about going on hiatus, pretty suddenly and dramatically. There was a reason for that. Actually there were a few reasons, but I don’t want to get in too deep there. The biggest reasons, in relation to blogging, were two fold. The first being I had nothing prepared for the rest of the month. I thought I had more time and didn’t. It was really that simple. Instead of just taking the L and picking myself up again I spiraled a bit. I’m still digging myself out of that, I’m mostly over it. I think. It’s a very superficial thing, but sometimes I take things a bit too hard.

The second, and larger reason was it suddenly occurred to me. My writing sucked.

I reviewed the posts I had published before, and I felt pretty good about them. A bit of a stylistic change from my previous stuff, but it was growth. An attempt to do something different was better then not writing anything at all. Even if it didn’t go over well I liked them.

I then looked at my drafts, of which there were about six or seven. I read one, thinking about all I needed was a few more minor edits and some pictures and it would be ready to go. But as I read what I wrote, I couldn’t help but think it was the most boring and contrived thing I had ever written. There wasn’t a single line I wrote that I liked, so I took the idea of the post, saved it for later and trashed the post itself.

I think you can guess, but of those drafts only a few survived to be published.

Since I had plucked the original concepts from the posts I scrapped, I could for sure come back to them at some point. So I went through my secret stash of ideas and tried a different one. I felt good writing it, but wanted to let the post rest before finishing it. Of course, I came back to it and… had I always used so much fluff when writing? There were entire paragraphs I had written, that I had liked writing, that said absolutely nothing. There was no meaning to them, and it contributed very little to the core idea. Slashing away at these paragraphs, I barely had ten sentences strung together that formed a coherent thought, let alone qualified as a post for me.

I stopped and started so many posts, so many times to the same effect. I threw in the towel, for just a moment at least, and tried to focus on commenting.

It’s so troupe-y but I felt the words drying up on my tongue, and on my finger tips. What was I even trying to say when I typed some of my comments to other bloggers? I know for a fact, since a lot of bloggers I interact with (and many I haven’t) have gone on the record that they’re grateful for a comment always. A little like does one thing, a comment is always appreciated too. I knew that I wouldn’t be judged for one or two more goofy sounding comments, but…

If my writing sucked, now my comments suck, what was left?

I sat with that for awhile, and being honest… I didn’t handle it well. Nothing drastic, nothing dangerous, but the notion that all my writing sucked plus other circumstances just kept compounding on top of everything else I was juggling with. It was inevitable that a few of the juggled plates would crash and two of those were: media consumption, and blogging.

I haven’t touched dramas or anime since January with a singular exception, and it’s not even that good. I spent a lot of time, probably too much time listening to so-so video essays, drama about influencers I don’t care about, and other crap. I couldn’t tell you what I do in my spare time because… I don’t do too much these days.

Of course, without dramas, movies, anime and the like; I don’t have a ton of material for my blog. At least at face value. And surprisingly… I was okay with that. At least for now.

I realized a long time ago that my media diet of almost exclusively consisting of Japanese media wasn’t the best. I actually recruited my irl friends to do a non-traditional book club. Mostly because none of us live nearby. We all picked different books, are annotating them with our thoughts and feelings, and trading them as we finish them via the mail.

I’ve decided to focus on getting many of my off-line issues resolved. It’s been a bit of an ugly process. That’s actually a huge time commitment that I wasn’t anticipating but it’s worth it. Despite the ugly and admittedly slow nature to it, I do have some feasible progress on that front.

As for blogging – I guess I’ve reached some area of acceptance that maybe my writing does suck?

I don’t mean that in a self-pitying way either. Any form of expression, writing, drawing, photography has it’s cycles of ups and downs. Sometimes you hit a dip, sometimes you improve like crazy, it’s just been a long time since I hit a decline like this.

I won’t say that I don’t care. I do. It’s very clear that I do care, a lot actually. But I’ve come to a point where I’m okay with sucking a bit. You have to start, in my case re-start, somewhere to be kinda decent again and then get better.

So I’ve written a handful of posts. Some of them are stupidly simple and honestly goofy but… I think they’re fun. I like them. I still want to tinker with them a bit more and really think a few of them through a little longer but they’ll see the publish button. I’ve been doing my best that despite how clumsy, and potentially ill-constructed my comments are – I keep writing them and posting them when I can.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I do sincerely appreciate it especially since this post is emotionally heavy. Especially since it’s an anniversary post. It’s still not exactly a celebratory one. I’ll work on that for next year?

I’m not giving up blogging, not by a long shot. I just need a bit more time to regain my confidence. So I hope you’ll stick around and see that return. I’m looking forward to another year of blogging, from myself and everyone else.

For now, I’ll see you around the blog-o-sphere!



  1. Well, I am glad you’re not giving up writing, and I’m glad you’re dealing with offline stuff, however painful or slow that may be. As for your writing – for what it’s worth, I don’t think it sucks. Which is to say, you’ve never published a post which, when I got to the end of it, I thought: well, that was a waste of time. Some I liked, some I didn’t like; some I agreed with, others not. But none of them ever wasted my time. And I think that’s a considerable achievement, one you should be proud of. All writers go through periods when they feel their writing is not what they want it to be (and yes – blog posters are writers!), Just keep writing, even if you think what you’ve written sucks. Keep writing – and the “flow” and habit of good writing will re-emerge in due course. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment!! I’m actually really flattered that my posts aren’t a waste of time or too boring. I do genuinely appreciate hearing that after my mini melodrama here lol. Also that you do disagree with some of the stuff I write too! I worry that my opinions are too ‘safe’ at times so it’s nice to know I’m not completely agreeable always.

      It’s safe to say that the flow is coming back. It’s just in spurts and at odd times (in the middle of work isn’t the best timing). Again thank you very much for taking the time to comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Of course I’m sticking around to read your future posts! And to help you build your confidence here’s a cheer from me! “You Can Do It!!!” I’ve always enjoyed reading your posts, and when you feel ready to publish some more posts I’m sure I will enjoy those too!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I received a notification about this post while on a bus home and I read your text immediately.

    What I want to say to you is: no, your writing does not suck. I have never thought in such a way about your posts. Sometimes there may be a topic that does not catch my interest, but you engage yourself into so many different aspects of Japanese culture that even a moody reader like me can find something to enjoy πŸ™‚

    In my opinion, you are going through the “critical” period which every ambitious writer out there has suffered from. Believe me, I’ve been there. I was genuinely convinced that my writing sucked and that I was making boring comments on message boards, YT, and other people’s blogs. I thought that I was good for nothing as a blogger and nobody out there does not have even the slightest incentive to read my stuff. On top of that, at that point in my life, I was battling an illness that was slowly and painfully destroying me.

    Thankfully, I managed to regain my health and it was then that I regained my peace of mind. I became less critical of myself and I started noticing small signs that people actually read something on my blog. This gave me the motivation to write more, and to better myself as a blogger, and to become more active even beyond the blog sphere.

    What I am getting at is: don’t worry. Just write about what you personally find interesting. Your private life always comes first, but don’t be too hard on yourself when it comes to writing. To me, it’s just fun (and partially an addiction nowadays. lol), especially in view of the fact that I don’t get paid for doing it. My only struggle is to find time to write because I work full time at the moment.

    I’m sorry for the extremely long comment. I hoped it would be shorter. Take care πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahhhh~ I didn’t mean to wait so long to reply. I stopped and started too many times, so I’m going for it now.

      Thank you so much for your kind words, and taking the time to write. It really means a lot to me especially since I often look to your blog posts for inspiration when I’m in a funk. Or I’m not sure what to watch next.

      Knowing that I’m not alone in this struggle as a writer, and that you’ve been through this before and made it out of it is really reassuring. I think I’m out of the dangerous will I give it up or will I not, but it’s just a big confidence issue on my end.

      I always appreciate a long comment, even though I might not hit on every point your mentioned in my reply! Again, thank you so much for your words, I really appreciate it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you very much for a kind reply. To be honest, I didn’t expect it πŸ™‚ So it’s good that you took your time with it.

        Just don’t force anything on yourself and you should be fine in terms of writing. Actually, your post motivated me to come back to an idea for a blog post which I originally abandoned. I wanted to share some info on my writing experience in blogosphere in greater detail, but also set it against such backdrops as YouTube and plagiarism (conscious and unconscious). Well, I don’t have anything solid yet, but I made an outline, so fingers crossed πŸ™‚

        Take care and good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m doing my best to reply when I can. Despite still feeling like my replies can be a jumbled mess.

        I’m super flattered that I’ve inspired you to pick up an older post idea! If all my blog does is inspire other writers… well I consider that a win. I know I’m super excited to your thoughts on that subject as well!

        To you as well, and as always thank you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Nah, your writing doesn’t suck. I’ve enjoyed every post I’ve read so far, even when the topics aren’t exactly in my wheelhouse.

    I’m pretty sure we all go through these periods of getting overly critical about our writing. I’ve been there too. There will also be times when blogging/writing just doesn’t seem to “work”. When that happens, it’s usually best to be gracious to oneself, take some time off and let things settle. I’ve been on semi-hiatus myself for couple of years now due to RL issues and can only manage to write a few posts per year. It is what it is, but hopefully not forever. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your comment! I’m glad that my previous posts have been engaging even if it’s not your typical fair. That genuinely gives me a lot of hope/reassurance!

      It’s been really reassuring to know that I’m not alone in going through this. It really hadn’t occured to me before that other writers/bloggers/etc felt the same way. I’m not quite sure I’m fully settled yet (yikes on my lack of replies to many!), but I’m re-finding my groove, so I’ll take it.

      Thank you so much again for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it!


  5. Honestly, I personally (and I’m being really honest here) don’t think you suck at writing. The few entries I did on LJ(which I transferred here) were actually inspired by you. I love the way you write, even when it’s about a topic I’m not interested in (like Visual kei, pls forgive me πŸ˜…). But I do get what you mean about thinking your writing sucks. I started writing books some time back and I got positive feedback. But one day, I re-read them and got depressed cause they seemed so stupid in retrospect. A friend told me that we tend to judge ourselves too harshly so I decided to take breaks in between to see if my mindset would change. So here’s me sticking around πŸ™‹β€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I’m actually super flattered (like ears went red kind) to know I inspired you a bit to write! Your comment literally made my day, and made me really happy to know that. (And no worries if the topic isn’t interesting to you! I know the VKei isn’t really a thing most people come to my blog for lol)

      And wow, you wrote books?! Like more then one?? That’s amazing! Even if right now maybe you don’t like them as much, that’s still amazing! I think my break is still in progress… even if I’m back to writing more regularly-ish. We’ll see about that lol.

      And thank you again for sticking around! I really appreciate it!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel like we’ve all been there to some extent, in one way or another, at least for those of us who have been writing a while. So to echo other people’s sentiments, don’t be too hard on yourself – but also, good on you for recognizing that (to yourself at least, regardless of whatever anyone else thinks) you have a weakness and you want to improve on it. As for me, you can bet I’ll be sticking around, so I look forward to reading more of your posts, whenever that may be. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment! It’s been really reassuring to read so many others’ experiance, and knowing I’m not alone in that regard. I really appreciate all that’s being said, and knowing that folks are still willing to read my stuff no matter how odd it might come off. Again, thanks so much for your kind words!


  7. I could honestly tell you that no, your writing doesn’t suck.

    But my opinion isn’t the one that matters. Your opinion is the important one here.

    You felt good writing some passages. Cool! You re-read the passages and didn’t like them. Also cool. Trust your instincts.

    But not too much.

    Because here’s the problem: imposter syndrome is real. It’ll take your insight (hey, I could write this better!) and turn it into judgement (hey, this writing sucks!).

    That’s how you know you crossed the line from critically improving your work to hobbling your development.

    I don’t know if this’ll help, but perhaps the most liberating and healthy view I’ve ever seen on this topic is a video from Dean Wesley Smith. The YouTube video is called “20Books Vegas 2022 Day 2 – Writing into the Dark.”

    He explains the different between writing, editing, and moving on.

    It helped me re-focus after my demons tried to convince me — yet again — to burn everything I’d ever written.

    Stupid demons…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it! Honestly… I hadn’t even considered that I might be feeling a bit of imposter syndrome but that’s another idea for me to consider now that I’m getting back into the swing of things. Sort of.

      And I’ll be sure to give the video a look ASAP! It sounds like it’ll have some good nuggets to help going forward! And I feel you on the demons… They might still win a round or two but maybe I’ll be better about combating them in the future.

      Thanks again for kind words. It really does mean a lot to me!

      Liked by 1 person

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